You guys, I did it, I added a FB page for myself. I have exactly more facebook friends than a self-respecting person really ought to. Seriously, over 1,000 friends? That’s just silly.
I’ve felt the guilt of losing track of people I’m actually interested in keeping up with due to facebook saturation. I’ve felt the frustration of scrolling through status after status, screaming “Who the hell cares?” I’ve missed important life events from dear friends because they got buried by someone from some distant state that I met that one time on tour and invites their entire friend list to every goddamn thing they host.
I’m taking control of my life again.I got married, I cut my hair, I went to the other side of the country, and I came back refreshed, reborn, and simplified. Then we came back and I took a look around at home. My schedule was a mess, my stuff is all over the apartment, and let’s not even talk about the digital dumping ground that I’d turned my computer into. No wonder I’ve been stressed, there is no order anywhere in my habits. No discipline. No structure or guidance. You guys, I’m about as water element as they come. Without pressure or gravitational pull, water doesn’t move. Without movement, water gets stagnant. You know what stagnant water is? Gross as fuck. Swamps are stagnant, puddles are stagnant, retention ponds are stagnant. It collects bacteria, and parasites, and god damn mosquitos. No I want to be a beautiful flowing river, gushing forth over the rapids, trickling peacefully through the forest. I want to be the clouds in the sky and the rain bringing life to the earth. I want to be the whole damn sea. All water is connected, part of a greater force that keeps the miserable little ingrate called “Life” alive and breeding. When water stops moving, it becomes harder for it to be a part of that cycle. It becomes disconnected, it becomes host to all the little things that spoil it. The water of my soul had taken on millions of bacteria in the form of fear. Polluted.
So times to cleanse. The urge to purify has been nipping at my heels for months now. I was tempted by fasts, 30 day challenges, juice cleanses, herbal retreats, but nothing felt like it was what I should commit to. Every time I started to think seriously and research these options, it all felt like I was ignoring the bigger problem. Then I spent 10 days in Maui with my soulmate. We bathed in ancient waters. We ate like royalty. We hiked through enchanted lands. We meditated on the tops of mountains. And we fucked like wild animals. Upon our return, I felt like a whole new person. I felt committed to our goals and to my own personal development. I returned to a familiar place, a place I haven’t seen since childhood. A place where I had no fear, no nagging tension, no worries about the outside world. I realized I had collected other people’s fear, and that’s what had blocked me. I had taken my focus of self and placed it outside of myself, I gave it to others to hold and tell me how wonderful and perfect I am so I had room to build defenses. When I tried to bring my attention back to myself, there was no room to put it. I’d spent so much time building my modesty, I forgot to build self-confidence. I was so worried about proving to people I’m not an awful person that I forgot about doing the things that make you a good person. I’d frozen my own lake of self-worth.
Anyway, poetic imagery aside, I realized that if I wanted to be the person to take charge in life, in business, then I was going to have to take charge of myself. I’ve tried purges before, but I’ve come in like a tidal wave, trying to wash everything away all at once. Well that only leaves bigger messes. So time to try something new. This time I’m not going to flake when I lose interest, this time I’m not going to overwhelm myself to the point that I just put on emotional blinders so I can just not see the mess. And I’m sure as hell not going to hang on to a bunch of people I wasn’t close to in high school simply for the sake of having an audience. If people want to hear what I have to say, they can damn well come to me. Hanging on to things is not how growth happens. Making something happen is how it happens.
So go ahead kids. Make yourself.
via Nolan Kreeger.