I’m writing without editing. I’m publishing without editing. I’m conducting an experiement in public solitude in a digital forum. I’m going to stop using the god damned backspace key, I’m not going to get stuck in the loop of inspire, create, judge, destroy. No more writing an entry but never
Writing and Acting are both seeking the truth. But actors are liars and writers are all miserable people, at least all the ones worth paying attention to. And I’m not sure which I’d rather be. I’ve been taking acting lessons and I keep telling people I am trying to focus on myself as an actor, but I think the whole reason I want to be an actor is because I have decided I want to move to Atlanta and I’ve believe that acting is what will pay our bills. If I want to be a writer, then I’ll have to accept a messy desk, over grown hair, and hidden abs. Both start destitute and have to make massive sacrifices in social and family life to get any material worth creating together. I guess I want to be a writer because I just don’t want to give a fuck about how I look, which is hard for an actor because our look it what we’re selling. But acting is demanding attention, and I do love attention.
It’s been a good day. Woke early to take advantage of the cooler hours to do yard work. It was gratifying to get as much as I could done with my two hands. I also really enjoyed listening to a collection of Vonnegut excerpts, books on tape are the shit. I’m getting more cultured without even trying, ain’t that the prerogative of my generation. I got the whole front yard bushes trimmed and I only broke two tools for the task. Then I got the front lawn mowed, but ran out of gas when it was time for the back. We had an gas can but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to get it open. So I figure that was testament enough that I could call it quits and go play Assassin’s creed. I enjoyed my time in the yard, hard work doesn’t have to be so hard if you choose to not make it so. I learned an interesting thing about myself. As a teenager I hated yard work, mostly I hated it because it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my time. I wanted to sit around and watch tv. So yard work, as with anything I disagreed with, became an enemy. Something to be avoided till the last possible minute until mom would finally yell at me to do it. By then it would be hot and miserable and thus I would be hot and miserable. I realize now that the reward for getting up early is nice weather to do things outside while you have the world to yourself. I also remember getting easily frustrated by things, like when I’d grab a bundle of clippings full of thorns I would be mad about my hurt hand. As an adult, I just learned not to grasp as tightly. Seems sensible.
The rest of the day was spent writing. I guess I’m writing a play or at least something that will be performed on a stage at some point. And I’m happy to say I made progress. 1,000 more words today are 1,000 more than I had yesterday. Just gotta get these words out, get them captured on paper or on a computer. Doesn’t matter. To make bread, you gotta at least grow the wheat. Reap it, then refine it, then make it into something worth eating. Sorry for the carb metaphor, all we have to eat right now is bread of some sort.
So happy to have internet back. Two months without has taught me a lot about my procrastination cues and has given me time to built the habits I need to avoid bad habits. I think I am better prepared now to keep a productive routine going and have a strong enough reward system built for myself. I find myself talking to myself as a doting mother quite often, encouraging and prompting myself to make good choices. I was surprised to take notice of how much more productive I’ve been without the constant attention draw of pinterest and netflix. It’ll be good to have those luxuries back, but mostly it’ll be nice to get some goddamned voice over auditions posted so I can start actually calling myself a voice actor and not wince when I do so.
Oh god, I can feel the zombies in my brain already crawling back out of the ground and sucking me back into the screen. It’s ok, you’re ok. You’re stronger than TV, you have more will power. TV cannot …fuck I forgot what I was going to say.
Well I started out with more intent and purpose but it seems my mind has wandered too far from the point. Whatever, I got out at least 2,000 words total today. aoh, random thought, I feel sometimes we simplify our language too much, to the point that all we’re doing is pointing out the obvious of a situation. It’s a pet peeve of mine, the observe and report, because I assume everyone has something helpful commentary to add and I hang on to every word, then are left disappointed to find out they had nothing to say at all. It’s a very frustrating and exhausting way to live.
Welp, it’s almost 2300 and I’ve now knocked out another large clunk of words. Are they usable? I have no idea, that’s not the point. I’m not writing them down for now, I’m writing them down for later when I might need them.
Oh, side note I’ve decided my neighbors are Israeli arms dealers and today was some princess’s biirthday. Not that I have any reason to believe it, they might even be Pueto Rican for all I can tell. I just like that imaginary story better than any real one I might later come to find out. Guess I’ll head to bed now and put out this half finished, half baked loaf in the oven and see what I have to say tomorrow. I’ll worry about typos when just getting the words isn’t all the work.